Stray dog

A stray dog loitering around the road outside of our office compound, the route which I travel every day to and from work. This dog is emaciated and suffering from serious skin infection (ringworm) exposing a large part of his scaly skin, signs that he’s mostly been neglected and lacks of nutrition.

Hence, on some days while travelling back home, I stop by the road side to offer this poor creature some food (mostly economy fried beehun/mee I bought early morning to work) to feed his hunger. He was a little apprehensive at first but after a while began to anticipate the treats , and would recognize my presence from afar while I stopped my car by the side of the road, and immediately scurrying toward my direction, albeit in weak and unsteady steps.

Some passersby would smile at me which I took as a sign of their approval , that they saw it fit that a hungry animal be given food to fulfill its very basic need to survive.

Buddhism preaches compassionate loving kindness to all sentient beings, from the highest level to the lowest below, all should be accorded the same treatment and granted a little spot of their own to seek for growth and survival and ultimately emancipation from sufferings.

And this sorry-looking stray dog, I believe just likes us humans, is also seeking some little loving kindness to make this place a wee bit better to live on…

Teary-eyed

Monday at the work place strangely turned out to be pretty quiet and stress-free for me .

Back in the evening and after spending time doing some house chores and cooking, I found little moments to unwind in the living room by watching a TV talk show from mainland China, which I earlier downloaded, on my laptop.

I cried and cried while watching `Xing Fu Mo Fang’ , which this episode revolved around a middle-aged woman seeking the assistance of the show hoping the host with the help of psychologist and members of the internet audience would be on hand to help her in advising her pregnant unwed daughter to give up her decision to keep the unborn child, knowing full well the pain and hardship her daughter has to endure in raising a child on her own.

Her daughter’s relationship with the man she knew since childhood ended in tragedy when he died from a car accident in a trip back home with his girlfriend, but his death could have been avoided if he did not try to shield his lover from the possible fatal impact of the crash. His lover after recovering from the serious injury, has discovered that she was pregnant and resolved to keep the baby, emphasizing adamantly that her unborn flesh and blood being her only link to her lover and her only life line to keep going in life, her decision however was met with serious objection from her mother, who did not want the girl to end up like herself raising her child single-handedly when her husband died months after she gave birth to the girl.

The show moved on with the participants i.e., the girl and her mom at painful loggerheads , and a childhood male friend who came to profess his long unrequited love for the girl and was willing to marry her as well as to accept her unborn child as his own, with his understandably worried mother, sitting outside the `magic cube’ readily objecting to the proposal.

Sadness, pining for lost love, anger and desperation slowly and intermittently played out in a juxtaposition mix of emotions which I belief have been carefully choreographed to arouse the interest of the TV audience in a bid to increase viewership, their exact purpose of which has been successfully achieved, if my emotional reaction is any indication for measurement.

I wonder as to why the salty liquid in my gland is so easily induced , and if these tears are an indication of my emotional fragility, then while developing a sense of empathy and crying over the plight of others, I should be also at the same time looking within myself to find the source of my weaknesses while seeking for that elusive inner strength which will help me see through the journey of my life with crystal clear eyes, and a stronger heart.

But sometimes, all we need is a little empathy to make us feel we are not alone.

That once in a while it is ok for me to feel all vulnerable and emotional like this.

Just because I am after all, only human..

Inspirational words

The day that was : 6 October 2011

Some times ago I came across an inspirational speech from Steve Jobs and it immediately found a place in a little corner of my heart.

Today when I clicked on the Yahoo webpage I was immediately greeted with the death of the Apple Founder. It again struck a chord in my heart.

I am brought to my own sense of mortality, yet again.

To quote his words `Death is a destination we all share’

The world has lost an icon in his field, whose amazing brilliance had forever transformed our lives.

But I don’t want to feel low nor melancholy.

I just want to put his words in here, just to remind myself how I should not let time pass me by without trying to accomplish something meaningful each day, however small and insignificant that something is.

And try to follow my heart.

May his soul rest in peace.

Steve Jobs:

Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.

Remembering that I’ll be dead soon is the most important tool I’ve ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything — all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure – these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.

Color me Tuesday

The day that was : 27 September 2011

It was drizzling when I got myself ready to work early in the morning.

Not a good day for me where in between works I let my thoughts shift and drift far and away, pondering and weighing and analyzing and rationalizing.

And if only I could..

But reality told me right at this moment is where I should be, where I belong.
At least for now this is what I should be settling for.

I turned from my desk and looked out the window and what brought to my view was the limited expanse of greenery and other incongruous landscapes in the distance, co-existing in harmony and basking in the persistence drizzle, with occasional heavy showers in between.

And tree leaves and branches swaying gracefully in the gentle wind .

This, lifted up my tattered spirit almost in an instance.

Nature and its perceived grandeur always possesses this unfathomable ability to soothe and comfort me.

I let out a long sigh, and quietly issued a silent reprimand to myself.

I want to gather all my inner strength to LEARN to live in the moment.

For it’s what matters to me now.

A little introspection towards the end of colorless Tuesday.

It ironically brought back a little color and perspective to my slightly deprived soul..

Zhong Qiu

The day that was : 12 September 2011

It’s the Mid-Autumn festival, or Zhong Qiu festival . There were not much activities in the office and my work routines progressed at a rather snail’s pace. Allowing myself some breaks, I surfed the internet and read a heart-rending post by a blogger dedicated his writings specially to his close buddy who was killed during the 11/9 tragedy. And it’s been 10 years since the catastrophe, but as memory of images of twin towers slowly disintegrating and crumbling to the ground being brought back to mind, there’s somehow a sense of relief to know that this very same place which was once shrouded in utter fear and chaos in the aftermath of 9/11 has seemed to somehow regain a semblance of normalcy.

But with the passing of another anniversary I pray that those who have been affected by the tragedy will be dragged a little further from those painful memories, and instead choose to remember this very poignant event in their lives by embracing the days ahead with renewed hopes and dreams.

Because putting personal tragedy behind in order to move forward, albeit taking one tiny step at a time, is a prerequisite for living and, above all, an intrinsic part of life.

But death is also an intrinsic part of life...

I saw my boss descending the stairs clasping a newspaper under his arm at about 4.00pm and I ‘d wonder whether he’d decided to go back home early to celebrate the festival with his family.

If only he would allow us to go back 1 hour and 45 minutes earlier, it would have made us very happy.

But sometimes, you can’t expect too much generosity from your boss.

Zhong Qiu should be a time for merry-making and happy feelings but being affected by this one post I have read , I came to ponder about my own mortality and death in its own sense and decided to sneak a little time in between the mundane tasks at work by writing a letter to a Venerable Tze Fu who is now in Burma.

Dear Tze Fu,

Amitofu, how are you?

Time really flies while we are busy with life, now that it’s been close to one year since you left for Burma, I would not have noticed the swiftness with which time moves have I not stopped in my track for a while to ponder about people around me , and about you.

Just last Saturday I went to City Vege Restaurant and met with Lee Fang Tze Jie and asked her about you and how’s you’ve been doing. It’s nice to hear a little about you from her and the fact that you have been and are doing well in Burma. I believe you must have shown so much progress in your quest for spiritual attainment.

Indeed, both Yee2 and me ( I have related the news to her) are happy for you.

Yee2 is currently sill in the village. In fact she rarely comes down to KK unless there’s a need to attend to some urgent matters. She told me while she hasn’t yet determined as to the path to tread on she would treasure her time by paying more attention to her spiritual practice. Indeed the quietness and serene atmosphere in the village is a conducive environment to practice the Buddha’s teachings. Within weeks from each other recently she has received news of the passing away of her two close friends from Yuan Kuang, one a Tze Fu and the other her course mate, both gone before their time due to cancer. I sensed her sadness upon hearing the news but while she has to bear with the lingering loss she told me it also helps to strengthen her resolve to not waste time and to diligently follow the spiritual path.

I must admit the news of the deaths of her two friends have somehow also affected me and it made me think deeply about the impermanence of life and how we must not waste time to strive to add meaning to our lives by performing good deeds for the good of our own, and of others.

Last month Yee2 and I have together with family members and friends made a trip to Santavana Hermitage to make offerings to the monks and we were happy to be able to meet up with Kai Ying Tze Fu and the rest of the community of Bhikkhus and Bhikkhunis as well as to have a little chat and it’s indeed nice to be able to see them again.

Today being ZhongQiu festival in Malaysia. Do the Burmese people celebrate this festival in Burma too?

Till then, wishing Tze Fu a happy `Zhong Qiu’ and may Tze Fu be well and happy.

With Metta,
CJ

In the evening at my apartment, I thought of loved ones back home while eating my bowl of hastily prepared instant noodles and gazed at the full moon outside which was partially hidden behind some moving black clouds, it’s still looked beautiful despite the veil of darkness and I naively thought maybe I could capture a glimpse of its image via the lens of my digital camera but just as I returned to the balcony with the device the moon has already disappeared into the dark horizon.

Ah the transience of all things beautiful, soothing, and comforting..

This Zhong Qiu despite without its requisite elements, did bring forth in me a sense of calm, and contentment.

For it’s been a meaningful journey for me so far…

Of 4D and a million ringgit

I bought RM8 worth of lottery tickets in Beaufort, my hometown while going back to visit my parents on a weekend. My bet was a 4D , and 6D Toto (my first time), the 6D being a combination of numbers made up of the birth dates of my siblings and myself. I sheepishly asked the lady at the counter whether that was how I should arrange the numbers, to which she nodded in an unperturbed manner, while an elder Chinese man behind me glanced over my shoulder with somewhat a look of slight amusement on his face.

I have been placing bets on these lottery tickets on some weekends these days. Without luck of course. I remember my first and only win dated way back in the 90s where I bought two tickets upon spotting the number atop the bus on which Keanu Reeves was on while trying to save a group of hostages inside a city bus which contained a time bomb set by a terrorist, in the movie SPEED. In 1994 to be exact.

I can still remember the thrills and excitement of watching the movie with a friend. How I adored Keanu Reeve (and still do!) and Sandra Bullock then after watching them for the first time on screen.

But time wisely executes its own SPEED while the majority of us are toiling away in obscurity, dealing with LIFE’S various issues , events big or small , without even pausing to look back to where we are.

And if we ever decide to make a little effort to really pause, that previously unnoticed fact in an instance immerses to stare right back at us with glaring intensity .

Of the swiftness with which time moves.

I digress.

The fact that lottery outlets have throngs of people lining up everyday willing to spare their hard-earned cash to bet have undisputedly testified to us of its charm to entice us into believing that we all have the opportunity, however thin it is, to strike it rich.

Because we never want to lose hope that one fine day luck will finally find us, and the winnings will undoubtedly help us alleviate whatever financial troubles that we are experiencing at that particular time.

Perhaps to redeem our lost pride of so frequently having to tread behind the shadows of success and opportunity, which often times elude us, yet granted amply upon others.

Or to help us pursue whatever dreams that we may not be able to realize due to monetary constraints, in addition to nestling in the lap of luxuries and live the life we desire.

But even though the odds of winning is as slim as the possibility of finding a lost needle beneath the deep ocean, it does not stop us to continue betting, hoping against all odds that one day, the angel of good luck will indeed pay us a visit.

Even though hope and dreams are like that mischievous little child often times hiding behind the veil of distorted reality.

Now, if only I can win a million ringgit. Sigh.

But I will continue to bet .

Just because one fine day in 1994 a dear young me had had the taste of winning RM180in lottery tickets, which in that moment made her feel like a million ringgit! ^__^

Spiritual food for thought

On a quiet evening, just to remind myself, we are far from perfect, and in our effort to seek improvements within ourselves, and strive to become a better individual, we also learn to accept and embrace the imperfections in others..

When you find yourself judging someone,
Look for what in yourself you are not willing to accept..
hold that part of you more gently.

-Robyn Posin-