A year has passed

The day that was : 3rd January 2012


As cliché as it may sound, I am amazed at how time yet again executed its bullet-train speed and whizzed past me just like that.

I didn’t even have time to sit back and analyse at what I have done and things that have yet to be accomplished for the past year and today here I am, back to work after a few days break and the first thing that greeted me was a slew of outstanding assignments and deadlines to be met.

It’s left me with literally no time to ponder about the past nor take a little peak into the future.
Perhaps this is how things should work. You just need to focus on the presence and the rest will slowly but re-assuredly fall into place.

But a quick rewind would afford me little recollection of any personal endeavour worthy of a mention.
The past year, I have sold my brand new blackberry hand phone, given to me as a gift from someone, for RM1,400, and used up all the money in a mere few months to save some precious tiny lives (some other sentient, fragile little beings which we humans tend to take for granted).

It might appear trivial but I found solace from this little effort.

I have also earned a few hundreds from selling some of my new clothes in Mudah.com, an online selling site and would use the money for the same purpose.

When I first started this blog, I only wanted to put down my thoughts in here as a diary to serve me at times when memories fail me. I honestly did not know what a blog was until my niece wrote me an email in April 2009 while I was in a foreign country saying she had started a blog and asked me to check out some photos she had put in there during the Xing Ming festival ( the only time I had missed the annual activity with closed family members, and I had missed home dearly) and it was only when I came back here when the thought came to me that I might as well start a blog of my own.

Now it has been more than 18 months since my first posting. How just time flies (sigh).
I have shared this blog with a few closed friends including family members but they seemed to be always too occupied and have been engrossed in dealing with what’s real and more important in lives.

And I understand.

It’s ok I told one of them (a close friend who seemed apologetic, smiles) for I seldom have the time to sit down here and write also. This is after all a personal journal which only serves my purpose. I have a face book account but it remains inactive up till these days.

I still prefer and am happy to receive an email from friends, for it seems to me these are more sincere, and personal, rather than some FB postings.

A friend sent an email and SMS message from abroad today saying she would send some money to repay the amount that she owed me, expressing her gratitude for extending help when she was in need. She asked to please do not hesitate to approach her should I need a favour from her in the future, and has in fact remitted more than what she owed to show her gratitude. This gesture has pretty much warmed my heart. I reassured her I would put the money to good use.

For the coming year, I pray for good health so I can continue to work for a living. And a happy frame of mind. The past year has seen me slipping in and out from unhappy dwellings ,once too often indulging my self in thoughts which would only serve to diminish my self-esteem, and ultimately, self- worth .

And to love and give, in whatever small way I can.

I would take a shot of courage and make one decision that may forever change the course of my path, hence my life.

But it has never been easy.

Let’s just see how much more time I may need to finally reach that decision.

In the mean time, I just want to live in the now.

In 2011, I let go of this thing..

and a few others.
In 2012, I ushered in the new year by taking part in an activity like this.
A random photo of a dear colleague and me who dressed up as Cleopatra for our Annual Dinner Costume Night at the end of the year.

Free

Bring her to this field of exuberant color and grandeur,
let her hum a medley of joyous tunes,
as she darts across the narrow lane in warm uncontained glee,
leaving a trail of crumpled leaves and rattling twigs,
worry being systemically crushed beneath her soft rhythmic footsteps.

As dawn descends,
tiny points of twinkling shiny light,
delicately decorate this canopy of dreamy heaven,
she gazes upon the illuminating moon,
and marvels at the eloquent beauty of nature,
is this wishful thinking? She asks.
now in a faraway place,
her heart sees a Neverland of promises,
where dreams will be realized,
and she yearns to fall among the star..

REALITY needs to momentarily stay clear from her territory,
just for this little while, she pleads softly,
where she is all alone,
gingerly cocooning herself in a land of make believe,
and smiling her warm glowing smile,
she’ll spend some tender loving moments,
with her once too often neglected inner child…

An evening with Royal Sabah Turf Club

Way back a year ago.

The day that was : 1 October 2010

I was having a stressful day at work for missing an important official document and have searched high and low yet of no avail. Several calls were made to ensure the documents has indeed been returned to me and I was inevitably exhausted by all the worry and unsettled thoughts until when it almost come to the end of the day where I managed to figure its whereabout, inside a printer where I had meant to scan it the day before, but the procedure did not work out and I forgot to take it out from the machine. -___-

When your mind is out of focus, things like this do happen. And you end up wasting the whole of your precious time trying to disentangle the mess, physically and mentally, brought about by your occasional lack of attentiveness when performing your duties at work.

It was drizzling when after work I drove to Sutera Harbour to attend a dinner function, I was representing KKCF, the charity organization which I am in, to receive donation from Royal Sabah Turf Club during its Annual Dinner as well as Gold Cup race 2010. Very tired and a little haggard looking, I decided to head to the rest room to put on some foundation and lipstick. Some pretty girls were inside the room, all of whom were impeccably made up and dressed stylishly. I observed a girl who was engrossed in taking pictures at the reflection of her image at the mirror, in a vain effort to immortalize her beauty into timeless youth and eternity.

And now there’s a new word for this, in the online world at least : camwhoring. -__-

A staff member of the Club led me to a table where I settled down after shaking hands and introducing myself to the guests at the table, all from different charitable bodies coming here with the same purpose as mine.

The dinner function commenced with some opening speeches from invited dignitaries, then dinner was served and some programmes lined up to entertain the guests; a singing band got onstage with their quite pleasing renditions of evergreen songs of yesteryears from the likes of numbers by Elvis Presley to those of the Beatles.

The evening progressed with the donations presentation ceremony where each of the names of the charitable bodies were called out and the representatives asked to come to the stage. I received the donation from Datuk Edward Yong who gently asked in Chinese whether it was `KK Tze Chi’ I was representing. I said yes. For more than a decade Kota Kinabalu Charitable Foundation has carved a name for its generosity to reach out to the poor and needy, near and afar, irrespective of race and religions. I felt blessed to be able to be a part of the group, even in a less active role now.

A magic show was presented afterwards by a teenaged magician. In an instance our minds were entirely hypnotized, our vision similarly deluded by the perceived grandeurs concocted by this young girl, churning out tricks after tricks while performing slick and alluring dance moves accompanied by a fast-paced Indian song, all with the sole intention to entertain and mesmerize such that we were constantly spellbound into believing that what were merely illusionary images, were indeed the real things.

And during those spellbinding moments, I truly felt like an impressionable and innocent five years old all over again.

Later, a fashion show was put up by the same girls whom I encountered earlier in the restroom, they are all winners of various titles from beauty pageants in and around the state, parading their beauty as well as willowy figures on stage with casual clothes, swimwears and evening gowns. These girls appeared to be a little flattered at the attention being showered upon them by the audience, and flesh was bared a little when they sashayed down the makeshift runway during the swimwear segment to the glee and excitement of the male crowd all were seen and heard wooing in sheer delight.

I couldn’t quite fathom as to whether a middle-aged man who suddenly rushed to the stage to present a flower as well as kisses on the cheek for one of the beauties was lured by his drunkenness or his mere desire to get a little closer to the girl, and her skin, for that matter.

Perhaps his frustration at his impending advanced in years would somehow be soothed by the presence of this girl, and she was his best answer to showcase the last vestige of his youth?

As the evening wore on, one of the VIPs was invited to perform and with his powerful voice churned out some melodious English numbers. A guest at the table informed us that he was the father of popular Taiwanese star Gary Chou Ke. Out of curiosity I quickly performed a scrutiny of his appearance from afar and indeed found a slight resemblance to his famous son.


Now that was the closest I could get to a superstar, vicariously through a fatherly figure, literally. -__-

After the lucky draw session I made my way home . It has been a very tiring day but I was nonetheless contented to be able to fill in the invitation on behalf of the Foundation, an organization that’s close to my heart, for a good cause.

When I got back to my apartment it was in total darkness. Power failure is a normal occurrence here at my place. Knowing this, I have got myself ready with candles in the kitchen. We should never trust the power company for making claims that they are doing their utmost to make our lives convenient.

It’s just an empty promise.

There is something being in pitch-blackness which would immediately elicit a perpetual sense of fear and hopelessness in me, like there’s something lurking in the darkness that would come out to intimidate and knock the life out of me. If I am rational enough, I will understand that it is just this unfounded paranoia triggered by my own feelings of insecurities and the fear of the unknown. The fact that my house was broken into once only serves to intensify the helplessness in me.

But sleep would soon alleviate those feelings…

Stray dog

A stray dog loitering around the road outside of our office compound, the route which I travel every day to and from work. This dog is emaciated and suffering from serious skin infection (ringworm) exposing a large part of his scaly skin, signs that he’s mostly been neglected and lacks of nutrition.

Hence, on some days while travelling back home, I stop by the road side to offer this poor creature some food (mostly economy fried beehun/mee I bought early morning to work) to feed his hunger. He was a little apprehensive at first but after a while began to anticipate the treats , and would recognize my presence from afar while I stopped my car by the side of the road, and immediately scurrying toward my direction, albeit in weak and unsteady steps.

Some passersby would smile at me which I took as a sign of their approval , that they saw it fit that a hungry animal be given food to fulfill its very basic need to survive.

Buddhism preaches compassionate loving kindness to all sentient beings, from the highest level to the lowest below, all should be accorded the same treatment and granted a little spot of their own to seek for growth and survival and ultimately emancipation from sufferings.

And this sorry-looking stray dog, I believe just likes us humans, is also seeking some little loving kindness to make this place a wee bit better to live on…

Teary-eyed

Monday at the work place strangely turned out to be pretty quiet and stress-free for me .

Back in the evening and after spending time doing some house chores and cooking, I found little moments to unwind in the living room by watching a TV talk show from mainland China, which I earlier downloaded, on my laptop.

I cried and cried while watching `Xing Fu Mo Fang’ , which this episode revolved around a middle-aged woman seeking the assistance of the show hoping the host with the help of psychologist and members of the internet audience would be on hand to help her in advising her pregnant unwed daughter to give up her decision to keep the unborn child, knowing full well the pain and hardship her daughter has to endure in raising a child on her own.

Her daughter’s relationship with the man she knew since childhood ended in tragedy when he died from a car accident in a trip back home with his girlfriend, but his death could have been avoided if he did not try to shield his lover from the possible fatal impact of the crash. His lover after recovering from the serious injury, has discovered that she was pregnant and resolved to keep the baby, emphasizing adamantly that her unborn flesh and blood being her only link to her lover and her only life line to keep going in life, her decision however was met with serious objection from her mother, who did not want the girl to end up like herself raising her child single-handedly when her husband died months after she gave birth to the girl.

The show moved on with the participants i.e., the girl and her mom at painful loggerheads , and a childhood male friend who came to profess his long unrequited love for the girl and was willing to marry her as well as to accept her unborn child as his own, with his understandably worried mother, sitting outside the `magic cube’ readily objecting to the proposal.

Sadness, pining for lost love, anger and desperation slowly and intermittently played out in a juxtaposition mix of emotions which I belief have been carefully choreographed to arouse the interest of the TV audience in a bid to increase viewership, their exact purpose of which has been successfully achieved, if my emotional reaction is any indication for measurement.

I wonder as to why the salty liquid in my gland is so easily induced , and if these tears are an indication of my emotional fragility, then while developing a sense of empathy and crying over the plight of others, I should be also at the same time looking within myself to find the source of my weaknesses while seeking for that elusive inner strength which will help me see through the journey of my life with crystal clear eyes, and a stronger heart.

But sometimes, all we need is a little empathy to make us feel we are not alone.

That once in a while it is ok for me to feel all vulnerable and emotional like this.

Just because I am after all, only human..

Inspirational words

The day that was : 6 October 2011

Some times ago I came across an inspirational speech from Steve Jobs and it immediately found a place in a little corner of my heart.

Today when I clicked on the Yahoo webpage I was immediately greeted with the death of the Apple Founder. It again struck a chord in my heart.

I am brought to my own sense of mortality, yet again.

To quote his words `Death is a destination we all share’

The world has lost an icon in his field, whose amazing brilliance had forever transformed our lives.

But I don’t want to feel low nor melancholy.

I just want to put his words in here, just to remind myself how I should not let time pass me by without trying to accomplish something meaningful each day, however small and insignificant that something is.

And try to follow my heart.

May his soul rest in peace.

Steve Jobs:

Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.

Remembering that I’ll be dead soon is the most important tool I’ve ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything — all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure – these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.

Color me Tuesday

The day that was : 27 September 2011

It was drizzling when I got myself ready to work early in the morning.

Not a good day for me where in between works I let my thoughts shift and drift far and away, pondering and weighing and analyzing and rationalizing.

And if only I could..

But reality told me right at this moment is where I should be, where I belong.
At least for now this is what I should be settling for.

I turned from my desk and looked out the window and what brought to my view was the limited expanse of greenery and other incongruous landscapes in the distance, co-existing in harmony and basking in the persistence drizzle, with occasional heavy showers in between.

And tree leaves and branches swaying gracefully in the gentle wind .

This, lifted up my tattered spirit almost in an instance.

Nature and its perceived grandeur always possesses this unfathomable ability to soothe and comfort me.

I let out a long sigh, and quietly issued a silent reprimand to myself.

I want to gather all my inner strength to LEARN to live in the moment.

For it’s what matters to me now.

A little introspection towards the end of colorless Tuesday.

It ironically brought back a little color and perspective to my slightly deprived soul..