Scattered thoughts

The sales girl scooped up a near lifeless tiny frog, and instinctively put it back into the tank. I asked her why and she explained that they don’t sell dead frogs as it would poison the fishes when being fed upon. I wanted very much to save its life even though there was only a small chance the frog would survive when being released into the wild. So I told the her to put it into another plastic bag. At the counter, I asked the lady boss to sell a little cheaper since the condition of the frog was a tad fragile, it might be dead any time soon. She instead suggested I might as well not take it, but my heart whispered otherwise, and I paid even though she refused to provide a discount.

All life forms are precious and equal, tiny frogs included, hence deserved to be treated with compassion and respect in their search for continued existence on this earth, even more so during these very uncertain, turbulent times of our lives..

The near lifeless frog, I hope it would against all odds,get a second chance at life.
My beloved sister sent me an email from the village containing some spiritual food for thoughts,to soothe this moody and contemplative soul, on a quiet Friday night: -

把自己的心安住在現在
煩煩惱惱要過一生
快快樂樂也要過一生
為自己找個好方法
讓自己安住 安靜的過活
很多事情不是用想就可以解決的不是嗎?
今天在經集
一部經典裡看到這樣的一句話想和分享

佛答闍多迦尼問時說: 消滅過去之事 排除將來之事
也不執著現在之事 便能平靜的生活~~~共勉之

It helps lift up the spirit a bit. I am sometimes just like a lost child needing a gentle pat on the back, to lead me back onto the right path again. Just a little reminder like this to help me focus on the presence, not the past nor the future, for I believe things will fall into its place when you take care of the presence.

It may just will...

So I shed a few tears, let the moment pass, and I am fine again.

Fleeting beauty of a white flower

無常的花
A white lovely flower I like to smell,
the scent tantalizingly alluring,
sitting bright, young and fresh,
on the stem of a sturdy old plant,
I gleefully plucked it off from its safe dwelling,
to bring it back home
hoping its freshness and smell will stay on,
as picture of its perpetual scent and attractiveness,
being naively painted in my head…

But it quickly withered and died a day after,
transforming into a darkened lump of dried and crumbled petals,
demonstrating quietly, yet unwillingly,
of the swiftness with which it changes its physical beauty.

I despaired a little,
over this somewhat glaring facts,
that impermanence and fragility,
have reared its little ugly heads,
but all with noble intention,
urging us to learn to live in the moments,
to treasure, to appreciate
to learn to love with our hearts
and to give while we can
before all that is worthwhile and good
perish into a cottony cloud of nothingness…

Random photos

A view of Kampung Lumadan.
Its multi-purpose hall
Papa and his friends.

The day that was 23/04/11

Food distribution for flood victims
My father and some kampung folks patiently waiting outside the community hall of Kampung Lumadan for a food and cash distribution by the state government; Inside the hall a dance performance, with the 1Malaysia theme song blaring from the sound system being presented to the audience. Earlier on there were ceramahs being held inside the dewan. I detest it when what was supposed to be a small initiative by the state government to distribute aid to the flood victims was being purposely turned into a grand event of sort to welcome VIPs, with the accompaniment of kompang and the presence of uniformed government servants (I presumed) to add a touch of pomposity and grandeur to the otherwise serene and quiet atmosphere in the village, and a political campaign was then ensued to propagate these VIPs’ well conceived agendas. The kampung people had congregated here as early as seven in the morning and hours passed by, yet all they got to hear were make-believe speeches and empty promises by the oh-so-important political figures. These folks, most of whom being illiterate, are an easy target to fish votes for the coming general election, I assumed.

Even the food aid came a tad too late. The flood occurred in early February during CNY 2011, yet distribution of aids only came in April. Talking about the efficiency of the administration! But they say better late than never .

My father came back much later at about 1pm with a packet of 15kgs rice and RM50.

Sigh.




Fang Sheng
I bought all the 10kgs of ikan keli from the lady fishmonger, all while trying to ease my guilt for concocting a lie that I bought these fish for resell to a businessman in KK, and emphasizing the fact that I only came to buy once in a while if there was a request from the businessman. I had to hide my actual intention for fear of encouraging them to capture more fishes knowing that there’s a steady demand at hand .

It’s always brought about a liberating sense to see the initial calm water being stirred into tiny little waves by the wriggling movement of the fish upon being released into freedom. It elicits this feeling of peace and contentment from within me to see how these tiny lives which were supposed to end up on dining tables, found a precious second chance to live.




Kuih Muih
Some of the kuih-muih (local cakes) I bought from pekan Bongawan, while on my way back to the village, on a Saturday morning. I had meant to buy the very delicious kuih koci but it had been sold out. It’s pretty hard nowadays to find cheap food items selling at 3 pieces for a ringgit. The exorbitant prices of goods these days make living a struggle for the rakyat, especially for the low income group. Is it the cascading effect of the global economy situation, or simply the inefficient administration of our government that is to blame for what we are facing right now?

No one is to know.


Some other random pictures I took of the surroundings , while lazing around in my parents’ house in the village.

My mother's carefully tended chilly plants
Place where we release fishes.
Wild yam plant which never bore fruits.
Baby banana plant
A plastic pail to store water from the slightly leaking water tap.
Young coconut tree with the old one growing side by side.
Cast Iron plant, thriving despite being grossly neglected.
Plot of fresh grass.
Rambutan tree stub
Shy plant (pokok semalu), sensitive & humble as its name suggests,will crumble when touched.
Wild orchid plant found its home on a felled rambutan tree stub
A bouquet of flowers I bought for the Buddha shrine



A new puppy in the house we named Jenggo

It has been a relaxing weekend though, to be away from the hectic schedules in the city, and simply indulged in little moments of easy relaxation and quiet introspection, before embarking on yet another week of work and responsibilities and attending to whatever mundane details of everyday life ….

Rude

I don’t get it.

Why are Malaysian drivers so impatient inconsiderate and above all rude? Suddenly cutting into other people’s lane in order to get ahead while every one else is patiently waiting is just SO. NOT. RIGHT. Some even have the audacity to drive all the way to the start of the line. I am a slow driver, unskilled even, to have someone continuing honking at me (on a single lane) to vent their frustration for driving slow is even worse, it pretty much distracts me and make me nervous and frightful. What if in my nerve-racking state of mind I accidentally switch to the reverse gear and bump into cars lining behind me? All I ask is a little patience there is really no need to constantly gesturing and murmuring which looks more like someone in a huge rage hurling abusive remarks at me.

Don’t go ballistic like that. You really don’t have to, that really make you a very bitter and angry person.

I think most understand the rudimentary road etiquettes and regulations but instead choose to ignore them. Thus they rule the road,as to their liking, breaking one law upon another even sometimes endangering the lives of other law-abiding road users. How unfair.

Drive me nuts most of the times.

Happiness

Sometime ago, I went for grocery shopping on a fine Saturday morning thereafter dropped by at Damai to have a bowl of noodle soup at my cousin’s food stall in a kopitiam. The owner or rather the operator of the kopitiam sat at my table and we started to chat. The conversation which initially revolved around the mundane concerns of day-to-day life like diet, high blood pressures and medical treatments soon turned to this emotional and soul searching topic - happiness.

She lamented about how difficult it is to be happy these days that she felt like leaving her business behind and pursuing something more meaningful and soul-enriching like working as a social worker. I said everyone would have envied her position being her own boss earning some good money, besides she has her family like her spouse, children and grandchildren whom she could spend time and find joy and happiness with. But she said these were all the superficial impression upon which her life is assessed but in no way does that reflect her innermost feelings, for she felt more sorrow than happiness that sometimes she just felt like throwing her arms in the air and waved that little white flag of surrender to say `I give up’.

She’s past her fifties yet is miserably unhappy. Why is happiness sometimes an easy endeavour for few yet virtually unattainable for some?

To her plight I could only said `don’t worry too much’. I feel this statement has oftentimes become so overused on my part for I couldn’t bring myself to find a proper phrase to comfort someone in need of a little consolation. Months ago I used the same overused phrase on someone whom I met after a long time not seeing each other and I asked her how she was doing, and in reply she said with misty eyes that `life is bitter’ she did not know how to begin to elaborate during that brief meeting but simply lean on my shoulder and sobbed uncontrollably. All I could do was put my arm on her shoulder and the same `not to worry so much’ slipped out my mouth.

Being financially secure does not equate happiness, yes you and me know money can sure solve a lot of our financial troubles providing momentary sigh of relief for the many of us who are mostly working for the sake of money, but having thick wads of cash is not the source of our happiness we all know that.

Is happiness itself not a cliché ?

I have no right to tell someone not to worry for I have never delved into their inner soul to dissect the every fibre of their being to find out the reason for their unhappiness. Like the manner with which we dissect a little mouse in the school laboratory and lay their body parts, intestinal track and all on the operating table and we begin to examine all the parts and we digest and justify and we conclude. But problems in life and happiness in particular are those invisible and intangible parts that could not be physically examined and properly verified as such, thus warrant deeper spiritual insight and understanding.

We are not specialists on how to treat unhappiness because I believe most of us are also learning on a day to day basis on how to stay happy.

Life is like riding a rollercoaster, some days it brings you high up in the air and you are exhilaratingly excited for you have the best view entirely to yourself and everything is lovely and beautiful where the sun shines brightly and the azure sky is as though within your reach; no sooner can you breathe in the beauty of it all it suddenly and heartlessly cruises you down to the seemingly bottomless river below and you look up and admire all the beauty from afar tantalizingly and seducingly beckoning to you yet it is not within your reach for you have already slipped down into the swollen river, following the flow of swirling rushing water and you have to hold onto anything within your grab in order to stay afloat ..

But if you are persevere enough and determine to not let go of your hold, the wheel of life will definitely bring you high up again.. So is the rise and fall of feelings.

We all have had our share of misery and unhappy moments, there are situations that are difficult to deal with, a problem unresolved yet another crops up. We just have to gather enough courage and perserverance to deal with it.

For more than two weeks some time during the past year I had been having persistently irritating sore body and a screaming back pain and the many out of breath situations which made me constantly sank into an inevitable low mood, and I was struggling to look fit when friends invited me to go out for breakfast when the fact was that this fragile body was desperately calling for attention.

Not to mention the many experiences of nursing self-deprecating thoughts and a sense of worthlessness and dejection for momentarily losing the so much needed perspective in my life.

But today I am feeling rather ok, the back pain has diminished so is the sore body.

Feelings, good or bad, these will eventually pass. For a few days it might be raining with thunderstorm and all but given another couple of days there will be sunshine and breezy days and all will be fine again.

Such is life itself. ..

Time

Time flies…

Isn’t it ironic that events in our younger days still vividly remain in our thoughts but the reality of the matter is that we are decades away from those innocent days, days where all we could think of were playing hide-and-seek, climbing rambutan trees and making a trip to the river side, eagerly throwing pebbles into the water while watching ripples forming on the surface then happily concluded it was a fun game to play?

I am a little innocent kid again..

I would like to imagine that blue sky and rolling white clouds are a little heaven on earth, raindrops on the roof top are the sound of poetry to my ears, life at this point comes to a standstill as I curl up in this little space of mine dreaming about golden sunset, evening sky and twinkling tiny points of light being the illusion of permanence.

I just want to dream about a little heaven on earth again…

As I am posting this I am instantly reminded not to procrastinate matters that we can do today to another day because of the swiftness with which time slips away, while playfully yet condescendingly invoking in us this lingering sense of the brevity of life…

Food for thought:
I don’t know why we are here, but I am pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.
- Ludwig Wittgenstein.

A day of fang seng

The day that was : 6 March 2011

I have invited a friend together with her spouse and kid for a weekend activity of fang seng. As usual we went to the animal shop located in Inanam where we frequent quite often to purchase frogs and cengkerik (cricket) for fang seng. I always tell the shop owner that I need them for the sole purpose of feeding my pet fishes at home. I know I need to disguise my actual intention in a bid to discourage the owner to capture or purchase the insects/amphibians in large quantities knowing that there’s a regular customer who always come in to purchase the creatures in droves for fang seng purposes. I had gone to the shop alone the previous evening for the same purpose, but decided to come back with my friend to purchase the remaining small frogs placed in the shop’s aquarium tank as well as few much bigger sizes of the frogs which I noted the day before were crammed inside in a very small tank. I felt that if they were not quickly freed they would have died of suffocation and foul air amidst the dirty environment inside the plastic tank which made absolutely no room for their movement.

People these days are cruel to the well beings of others, knowingly, while others, blatantly and arrogantly ignorant. These poor creatures are not humans, yet deserve their very own right to fight for their existence and shelter, but some of us are sinners of lust and greed with gluttony in our desires; and material fulfillments our prime concerns, hence making profits the only motives on our daily agenda.

There was a time when after exiting the shop I was approached by a young man with the same purchases of plastic bags of frogs and crickets. He asked me what was the purpose of my purchases and I instead tactfully inquired as to why he would want to know. He replied that from my appearance I didn’t seem to be someone who bought small frogs and crickets to feed fishes. I told him that I have been adopting the act of saving life as part of my Buddhist practice and to my delight he said he was also doing the same. He further mentioned that he has been learning to release animals on small scales. I am happy there’s someone who shares my belief and in his young age he has already found his faith and is seemed to be diligently practicing it. This man proceeded to ask questions like where are the suitable place to release frogs and have I ever released crabs? I said yes. And where do we release these crabs? Is the beach a suitable environment for them, or swampy area?

I felt pleasantly amused by this young man’s eagerness to seek liberation and hence cultivate compassion for these creatures, I said “may be we could find the answer by surfing the internet? And would you like to join my brothers and I for today?” He politely declined saying he would keep his purchases in his house and only release them once he is back from outstation assignments. I bid goodbye without asking for his name, for I believe if there is `yuan fen’ between us, we surely will be able to see each other again.


Today my friend’s husband had to drive a long distance to Tuaran town after unable to find suitable places to release our purchases nearby. We then walked a long distance on a gravel road, then a suspension bridge before finally coming to the bank of a river, it was definitely a friendly and clean environment for these amphibians to call their home. Together we uttered a little prayers and chanted some mantras before releasing these creatures to where they belonged, and for them to once again embrace freedom..



Freedom, finally.
On the suspension bridge, with Moi & her kid, Ivy.