Through their eyes

The day that was 12/02/12

 

It was a Sunday , I drove for about 15 minutes  on a narrow road thriving with potholes, before turning to a familiar junction with a signboard pointing  to the location of  a Chinese temple, and drove for a further short distance to finally reach my destination.  I parked my car and took out two huge plastic bags containing some fishes which I wanted to release into the small river, nodding and smiling to the two Timorese men working on some scrap metal as I crossed an old bridge to go to the other side where a handful of wooden houses  were seen perched by the riverbank.  This is the place I often go to for fang seng (life release) activities, mostly by myself.  I often ask for permission to step on their properties, lest they are in knowledge of any trespassing law, just in case. But Malaysians are such peace loving and friendly people that you can hardly hear of any incidents relating to legal suits that would drain you of your financial means, as we often hear in the west.  Being alone, it always brings a sense of comfort in me to see their smiling faces albeit with a bit of inquisitiveness at my intrusion,  and my intention of buying then releasing the lives of the creatures is something these folks would  not be able to comprehend.

Only politicians and wealthy individuals will get themselves embroiled in legal cases. The majority of ordinary folks like us would be too engrossed in  the daily mundane works that we would eschew any opportunity  to redeem our pride and maybe a chance to gain some financial rewards by means of embarking on legal actions of any sorts, even if the opportunities  glaringly present itself  in front of us. Plus, I believe, most of us don't have the financial means  anyway.

Or so I thought.

While I squat on the riverbank releasing the fishes, the kids from the houses were standing on the bridge looking down gleefully for what perhaps to them a refreshing sight, and they seemed to truly revel in the  opportunity to bask in the camaraderie  and  innocence  playfulness  with their  peers.

Once,  the landlord of the houses, an overweight lady wearing some gold bracelets  on her arms who came to collect rents was seen berating the kids for standing and playing on the wooden bridge, `it would ruin the bridge and I would not have money to repair it’,  she shouted in her deep Kadazan accent,  while the adults who peeked from outside their windows just looked on helplessly, feeling somewhat a little oppressed and discontented on how the Landlord in her condescending tone seemed to clearly emphasize her status of being the boss around here, at that moment inevitably relegating their ranks to that of temporary occupants, at her whims and  whilst their  finances allow them.

I clambered up the rather steep river bank once I was done and moved towards the kids still standing on the bridge, their excitement were laced with a little anticipation, knowing I would probably hand them some sweet treats.  I whipped out my digital camera and asked them to pose for photos and they eagerly obliged, thereafter hurriedly approached me to take a peek while I checked on the images on the lens. These children later scurried behind me when I left for the car and  patiently waited while I retrieved some packages of  sweets from the car trunk and distributed to them.

Their polite utterance of `terima kasih’  and the look of delight and  pure joy on  their faces quickly  dispersed any sense of unease on my part for having this Timorese adult, the father of one the kids  I presumed,  monitored from behind, even taking a closer look into my car trunk, lest I happened to be a child abductor masquerading as a sweet-talking woman to lure these kids into my menacing trap.

He didn’t  know that  these kids, as innocent as they were with their tender looks and heart melting smiles, were in fact the ones who have unconsciously set up an imaginary trap, and I was being the one  so irresistibly  lured into it.

For through their eyes I thought I could learn to see the world with a little less scepticism, making living a little more tolerant, and every problem encountered just seems a  little more manageable .

At that point of connection, these  kids  did  just  that  to me.

There is always some valuable little lessons to pick up from every times I venture out of my comfortable dwelling for this life-release activity, and to reach out to some strangers  like these.

It’s  always a soul-enriching, energy-shifting  experience for me...  

The rain and a story about aging

The day that was : 8th March 2012.
It’s a quarter past three in the afternoon as I type. And outside it’s raining.

I take a peek from the glass window at my work place and watch the rain pouring down, like a deluge. And the sound of droplets raining onto the ground can be intimidating, it’s as if to sound off warning of impending gloom, like a flash flood, which is a frequent occurrence here at my place.

But casting aside this thought and simply allowing myself to indulge in the sight and sound of water cascading down to the ground is such pure bliss, I feel as if I am immediately brought to a safe corner of my own, away from judgement and criticism and self deprecating thoughts, where now only a sense of calm and tranquillity permeate my being.

Today in the midst of completing tasks at work I surfed the internet aimlessly, just to draw some inspirational words in a bid to dispel these feelings of pessimism and morbidity which, without me noticing, has managed to sinisterly creep in while my focus veered out of its course in those few unguarded moments of carelessness and stupidity.

I came across a piece of writing about a 40 years old photographer who took photographs of aging animals. Its a noble attempt on her part to confront her own fear of aging , having had to care for her mother who is suffering from Alzheimer’s disease besides the pain of dealing with her increasing state of decline and vulnerability . It was such a beautiful and touching story. And reading her moving account of how animals, just like us humans are able to experience pain and fear as well as pleasure and contentment, and how they have to ultimately deal with the inevitable – death.

I am truly inspired by this story, I do believe death in itself, and the fact that we are mere mortals do not perpetuate this sense of morbidity in us, but how we adopt our own attitudes towards dealing with the inevitable are essentially the key to ensure that, in time to come, we are able to equip ourselves with the right mentality to embrace aging and mortality with a sense of grace and dignity.

That evening, the woman’s story tucked at my heart strings, and it became a rope to reel me in...

These kids

In a few more years, these kids will outgrow me, develop their own unique personalities and blend into their own circle of friends, of which I might not be playing a part in. They will have their own share of stories of learning, finding love and taking chances, discovering their potentials whilst exploring the big wide world outside.

Within their circle, I guess I will be the one from outside looking in.

But I hope I can still offer my two-cents, as and when they need it.

In the mean time, they are just these innocent little faces willing to sit on my lap, occasionally whining , occasionally chatting a little about their daily kiddy adventures, all while savoring a little tender loving care from within my embrace.

They need it, for now..

Some random photos: -


Tze Ern as a toddler in 2006.


Yee Zhing

Tze Ern and Yee Zhing, in 2010.

Tze Ern in Shang Villa, PJ, getting ready to school, Dec 2011.

Tze Ern looking chic and trendy in Uniqlo Department Store,1U, Dec 2011.

Yee Zhing and her koko some time in 2009.

The way they were...
Cun2 and Wen2 way back in 1998.
Cun2 and her toy gun.
Cun Cun and Kewei.....


In 2006. I really like this photo. Through their eyes I see a spark of the innocence of youth, pure and untainted...

As they are today.

Prayer

Just as a bird finds its renewed freedom,
so do I seek to renew the conviction of my faith, through this little prayer,
may I gain liberation from deep-seated hatred, worries and ill health,
may I dissolve all vengeance, vanquish intruding evil influences to finally find peace
to this unsettled heart,
may I dissolve all my negative karmas in my previous and current lifetimes,
may I cultivate compassion and learn to spread loving kindness to all sentient beings from
above , below, near and afar,
and to one day find liberation from samsara by being reborn in Pure Buddha Land..

A year has passed

The day that was : 3rd January 2012


As cliché as it may sound, I am amazed at how time yet again executed its bullet-train speed and whizzed past me just like that.

I didn’t even have time to sit back and analyse at what I have done and things that have yet to be accomplished for the past year and today here I am, back to work after a few days break and the first thing that greeted me was a slew of outstanding assignments and deadlines to be met.

It’s left me with literally no time to ponder about the past nor take a little peak into the future.
Perhaps this is how things should work. You just need to focus on the presence and the rest will slowly but re-assuredly fall into place.

But a quick rewind would afford me little recollection of any personal endeavour worthy of a mention.
The past year, I have sold my brand new blackberry hand phone, given to me as a gift from someone, for RM1,400, and used up all the money in a mere few months to save some precious tiny lives (some other sentient, fragile little beings which we humans tend to take for granted).

It might appear trivial but I found solace from this little effort.

I have also earned a few hundreds from selling some of my new clothes in Mudah.com, an online selling site and would use the money for the same purpose.

When I first started this blog, I only wanted to put down my thoughts in here as a diary to serve me at times when memories fail me. I honestly did not know what a blog was until my niece wrote me an email in April 2009 while I was in a foreign country saying she had started a blog and asked me to check out some photos she had put in there during the Xing Ming festival ( the only time I had missed the annual activity with closed family members, and I had missed home dearly) and it was only when I came back here when the thought came to me that I might as well start a blog of my own.

Now it has been more than 18 months since my first posting. How just time flies (sigh).
I have shared this blog with a few closed friends including family members but they seemed to be always too occupied and have been engrossed in dealing with what’s real and more important in lives.

And I understand.

It’s ok I told one of them (a close friend who seemed apologetic, smiles) for I seldom have the time to sit down here and write also. This is after all a personal journal which only serves my purpose. I have a face book account but it remains inactive up till these days.

I still prefer and am happy to receive an email from friends, for it seems to me these are more sincere, and personal, rather than some FB postings.

A friend sent an email and SMS message from abroad today saying she would send some money to repay the amount that she owed me, expressing her gratitude for extending help when she was in need. She asked to please do not hesitate to approach her should I need a favour from her in the future, and has in fact remitted more than what she owed to show her gratitude. This gesture has pretty much warmed my heart. I reassured her I would put the money to good use.

For the coming year, I pray for good health so I can continue to work for a living. And a happy frame of mind. The past year has seen me slipping in and out from unhappy dwellings ,once too often indulging my self in thoughts which would only serve to diminish my self-esteem, and ultimately, self- worth .

And to love and give, in whatever small way I can.

I would take a shot of courage and make one decision that may forever change the course of my path, hence my life.

But it has never been easy.

Let’s just see how much more time I may need to finally reach that decision.

In the mean time, I just want to live in the now.

In 2011, I let go of this thing..

and a few others.
In 2012, I ushered in the new year by taking part in an activity like this.
A random photo of a dear colleague and me who dressed up as Cleopatra for our Annual Dinner Costume Night at the end of the year.

Free

Bring her to this field of exuberant color and grandeur,
let her hum a medley of joyous tunes,
as she darts across the narrow lane in warm uncontained glee,
leaving a trail of crumpled leaves and rattling twigs,
worry being systemically crushed beneath her soft rhythmic footsteps.

As dawn descends,
tiny points of twinkling shiny light,
delicately decorate this canopy of dreamy heaven,
she gazes upon the illuminating moon,
and marvels at the eloquent beauty of nature,
is this wishful thinking? She asks.
now in a faraway place,
her heart sees a Neverland of promises,
where dreams will be realized,
and she yearns to fall among the star..

REALITY needs to momentarily stay clear from her territory,
just for this little while, she pleads softly,
where she is all alone,
gingerly cocooning herself in a land of make believe,
and smiling her warm glowing smile,
she’ll spend some tender loving moments,
with her once too often neglected inner child…

An evening with Royal Sabah Turf Club

Way back a year ago.

The day that was : 1 October 2010

I was having a stressful day at work for missing an important official document and have searched high and low yet of no avail. Several calls were made to ensure the documents has indeed been returned to me and I was inevitably exhausted by all the worry and unsettled thoughts until when it almost come to the end of the day where I managed to figure its whereabout, inside a printer where I had meant to scan it the day before, but the procedure did not work out and I forgot to take it out from the machine. -___-

When your mind is out of focus, things like this do happen. And you end up wasting the whole of your precious time trying to disentangle the mess, physically and mentally, brought about by your occasional lack of attentiveness when performing your duties at work.

It was drizzling when after work I drove to Sutera Harbour to attend a dinner function, I was representing KKCF, the charity organization which I am in, to receive donation from Royal Sabah Turf Club during its Annual Dinner as well as Gold Cup race 2010. Very tired and a little haggard looking, I decided to head to the rest room to put on some foundation and lipstick. Some pretty girls were inside the room, all of whom were impeccably made up and dressed stylishly. I observed a girl who was engrossed in taking pictures at the reflection of her image at the mirror, in a vain effort to immortalize her beauty into timeless youth and eternity.

And now there’s a new word for this, in the online world at least : camwhoring. -__-

A staff member of the Club led me to a table where I settled down after shaking hands and introducing myself to the guests at the table, all from different charitable bodies coming here with the same purpose as mine.

The dinner function commenced with some opening speeches from invited dignitaries, then dinner was served and some programmes lined up to entertain the guests; a singing band got onstage with their quite pleasing renditions of evergreen songs of yesteryears from the likes of numbers by Elvis Presley to those of the Beatles.

The evening progressed with the donations presentation ceremony where each of the names of the charitable bodies were called out and the representatives asked to come to the stage. I received the donation from Datuk Edward Yong who gently asked in Chinese whether it was `KK Tze Chi’ I was representing. I said yes. For more than a decade Kota Kinabalu Charitable Foundation has carved a name for its generosity to reach out to the poor and needy, near and afar, irrespective of race and religions. I felt blessed to be able to be a part of the group, even in a less active role now.

A magic show was presented afterwards by a teenaged magician. In an instance our minds were entirely hypnotized, our vision similarly deluded by the perceived grandeurs concocted by this young girl, churning out tricks after tricks while performing slick and alluring dance moves accompanied by a fast-paced Indian song, all with the sole intention to entertain and mesmerize such that we were constantly spellbound into believing that what were merely illusionary images, were indeed the real things.

And during those spellbinding moments, I truly felt like an impressionable and innocent five years old all over again.

Later, a fashion show was put up by the same girls whom I encountered earlier in the restroom, they are all winners of various titles from beauty pageants in and around the state, parading their beauty as well as willowy figures on stage with casual clothes, swimwears and evening gowns. These girls appeared to be a little flattered at the attention being showered upon them by the audience, and flesh was bared a little when they sashayed down the makeshift runway during the swimwear segment to the glee and excitement of the male crowd all were seen and heard wooing in sheer delight.

I couldn’t quite fathom as to whether a middle-aged man who suddenly rushed to the stage to present a flower as well as kisses on the cheek for one of the beauties was lured by his drunkenness or his mere desire to get a little closer to the girl, and her skin, for that matter.

Perhaps his frustration at his impending advanced in years would somehow be soothed by the presence of this girl, and she was his best answer to showcase the last vestige of his youth?

As the evening wore on, one of the VIPs was invited to perform and with his powerful voice churned out some melodious English numbers. A guest at the table informed us that he was the father of popular Taiwanese star Gary Chou Ke. Out of curiosity I quickly performed a scrutiny of his appearance from afar and indeed found a slight resemblance to his famous son.


Now that was the closest I could get to a superstar, vicariously through a fatherly figure, literally. -__-

After the lucky draw session I made my way home . It has been a very tiring day but I was nonetheless contented to be able to fill in the invitation on behalf of the Foundation, an organization that’s close to my heart, for a good cause.

When I got back to my apartment it was in total darkness. Power failure is a normal occurrence here at my place. Knowing this, I have got myself ready with candles in the kitchen. We should never trust the power company for making claims that they are doing their utmost to make our lives convenient.

It’s just an empty promise.

There is something being in pitch-blackness which would immediately elicit a perpetual sense of fear and hopelessness in me, like there’s something lurking in the darkness that would come out to intimidate and knock the life out of me. If I am rational enough, I will understand that it is just this unfounded paranoia triggered by my own feelings of insecurities and the fear of the unknown. The fact that my house was broken into once only serves to intensify the helplessness in me.

But sleep would soon alleviate those feelings…